Death of a Captain
by CheyF
Summary: Will the Captain end all of her pain? Can she stand it anymore?


A/N: I wanted to take a bit of a break tonight from my longer work in progress (Go read it if you haven't!), so I pulled another old short bit out of my 2004 files. Enjoy!

CheyF

Part I

 _No regrets. No regrets._

Kathryn made sure everything was where it was supposed to be; not a hair out of place. Her quarters were cleaned and perfectly prepared.

Kathryn glanced up to the chronometer on her living room wall. 21:00.

Her shift had ended a couple hours ago. The day was no different than any other. This evening she indulged in a long luxurious bath. Why shouldn't she?

Kathryn took the replicated knife into her hands. She ran her fingers over the smooth, glimmering blade.

She lowered the lights to a bare minimum, letting the starlight caress the gentle greys of every contour and bulkhead. It seemed intimate. No bright blinding lights.

She had pulled her hair back. Not in a bun, as presentable as that may be under the circumstances. This time when eyes would settle upon her, she wouldn't be the almighty Captain.

She had let her hair cascade down her back, half of it restrained in a simple silver clip to keep it from falling into her face.

Kathryn felt a tinge-and-pull on her heart. Tonight would be an end to all of her pain. Of course, she'd thought about doing this before. So many times before. But the timing had never been precisely perfect.

She deftly handled he sleek blade, watching her reflection shimmer off its surface. The distorted face looking back at her was accusing in a way. It looked younger. Different.

She wished she could be that reflection.

Maybe everything would be different then?

 _An end to pain._

It was the only thought that plagued her mind, except for the beautiful face of her first officer...no, of Chakotay. She could picture his smiling face perfectly.

Kathryn sighed and whispered his name, warm breath brushing across her lips. The mere vibrations of the syllables set her hear racing.

 _An end to all pain._

Why had she pushed him away for so long?

At first, she'd hidden behind protocol that was never really there. She'd held on to the Starfleet way until she was to the point of no return.

Eventually, years into their journey, protocol became flexible and flimsy in light of the monumental road ahead. Her hesitancy focused on more subjective excuses. What would they all think of her? Succumbing to the physical. To the emotional. To the human. Would they think she was weak if she found happiness? If she found distraction?

Her soul had hardened and cooled to an icy stone. She knew all this and blamed her pain on it. She'd only caused herself more pain over time and allowed it to build and build. No wonder she couldn't help this. Her heart was about to explode.

She lowered the knife, careful to hold it steady.

 _You can do this._

She thought of Chakotay and thrum of painful anticipation shot through her body. Her chest tightened.

She paused the knife's movement and glanced to the chronometer again. Only five minutes had passed.

She knew it had to be perfect. By all means, she couldn't re-do it.

She stilled and closed her eyes and let the clean blade fall. She felt it as it slowly cut through the surface, smooth and unimpeded.

Her door chime chose that moment to ring. Kathryn's eyes burst open and her hand fell loosely to her side, the knife still in her grip sullied only the slightest by its duty.

She hesitated. She was rooted to her spot. She knew it was Chakotay. It could be no one else...

Part II

Chakotay rang the door chime for the second time. His finger was pressing it for the third when the doors to Kathryn's quarters finally opened to him.

Kathryn had a nervous smile, one arm behind her back.

"Are you all right, Kathryn?"

She nodded and moved away from the door, beckoning him in with her free arm.

"I was...just worried."

She'd known he'd come; he always seemed to appear when she needed him.

"You're late, Chakotay. I was just a little worried that maybe you'd forgotten."

He gave her a shy smile.

"I could never forget you."

She mirrored his smile with her own.

"Happy Birthday by the way." Her smile twisted up on one side. "Are you and Tuvok now...what is it...how old...?"

The statement went unfinished.

Chakotay narrowed his eyes. He made to lunge at her and she laughed out.

"Ah, come on old man." She baited.

"You just wait Kathryn. When you hit forty-five you'll regret this."

"Oh really? I wish I could have been around for your forty-fifth..."

Kathryn backed towards the table. She kept her eyes glued to Chakotay for fear of Maquis retaliation. Revenge for her jokes would have to come later.

She smiled.

 _Later, and then the pain will be gone._

She brought the knife from behind her back and resumed cutting though the cake.

"Apparently I'm too old to have a 'happy' birthday, but thank you Kathryn."

"Aww Chakotay, don't make me try and cheer you up...or worse...sing happy birthday to you."

He held up his hands in mock surrender.

"All right, all right. I give up."

Chakotay walked to her side, curious.

"I didn't want my first officer to mysteriously die from something I cooked, so I just made this. I may not be able to cook, but I can bake."

Kathryn smiled again and licked some of the frosting from her finger tips. Her eyes met with his, looking into the dusky brown irises.

Chakotay watched her fingers go into her mouth, sliding past her lips slowly, then he brought his eyes to meet hers.

 _The decision is made. Everything will change, no more pain._

"Cake, Chakotay?"

She broke their stare. Kathryn wasn't prepared for the next step quite yet. He nodded at her proposal and accepted the plate.

Part III

Kathryn sat close to Chakotay on the couch, her legs tucked snugly underneath her. Their empty plates sat abandoned on the coffee table in front of them.

She had replicated a light red wine. Kathryn swirled the blood-colored liquid. She refused to let herself take a drink yet. She wanted all her faculties intact.

She'd been debating exactly what to say. It wouldn't be easy, but she finally decided to tell him plainly.

"Chakotay, do you love me still?"

She looked up slowly from her wine. She began to panic in her innermost soul when Chakotay didn't look up at her.

"Is there truly any doubt? You know I love you..."

"Chakotay, I didn't think...I thought you would have moved on by now. I've pushed against you so hard."

He finally raised his eyes to hers.

"Kathryn, I'll put it simply. I've known you for nearly four years. I've been content by your side, waiting for you. I've tried to move on, but it's impossible. I've been yours since that first day. Spirits, Kathryn. How could I not love you?"

"Chakotay, thank you for everything..."

She paused and took a deep breath.

"Will you..."

It was getting harder for her to say this, despite how many times she'd practice this exact moment in her mind.

"Chakotay...can..."

Chakotay understood her, often before she understood herself. She couldn't believe it.

He drew her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"I love you." Her voice was barely there, the words carried on tendrils of breath.

Chakotay was finally sure of what he'd heard, no matter how quietly she'd said it.

"I'll always love you Kathryn. No more protocols?"

She took her head from its cradle on his chest.

"No more parameters. No more protocols Chakotay...just us. Oh, nothing on the bridge you understand don't y..."

He hushed her with his fingers gently caressing her lips. Her watery blue eyes, wide open looked to him.

Chakotay drew her even closer and lowered his head to hers, their lips meeting for the very first time.

Kathryn swore she saw vibrant white blue and gold fireworks behind her eyelids as they drooped closed. She draped her arms over his shoulders.

Chakotay pulled her into his lap and let his hand wander up and down her back in short circuits.

She was...the feeling all over...it was indescribable.

She shivered from excitement...or hope...or joy...or something she just didn't know.

Tears streamed down her face of their own accord. Her pain was gone and replaced by something else. He cold heart melted in his arms, and the stone that had been there was...oh, something gloriously floating in the universe. She couldn't focus on anything else.

Kathryn broke the kiss, forcing herself to breathe.

"Can we just maybe take this slow?"

"I'm sorry..." He panted worriedly.

"Oh, just from here out...you're wonderful...don't stop...just kiss me again..."

She pressed herself to him. Their body heat intermingled. Chakotay felt a pinch on the back of his neck.

"Hey now, what was that for?"

He'd pulled back from her.

Kathryn grinned and cocked her head to the side.

"I already knew I wasn't dreaming. I just saved you the trouble of wondering if you were." She grinned.

"Oh, I know I'm not."

She snuggled closed to Chakotay and they curled together on the couch.

"Good cake, Kathryn."

She turned around again and buried her face in his chest to muffle her laughter.

The pain was gone, and she smiled as one last tear fell down her cheek before she sighed, content in Chakotay's arms.


End file.
